RED OR GREEN

                                                       During an eye exam, one of the tests used is the red /green test. We put up a chart                                               with letters. The left side of the chart is red, and the right side is green We ask the                                               patient which side seems clearer. If you say red it tells us to add minus lenses. If                                                    you say green, we need to add plus lenes. We do this until both sides seem equal and                                         this a good starting point as we head into the exam.

                                     This story happened about 20 years ago. I was early December and Christmas was a                                          few weeks away. I was doing this test on a 7-year little girl. She was a great                                                             responder and breezed right through.  I was ready to move on to the next test when                                          she asked me if she could ask me a question. I said, 'Sure honey.' She asked,' Do you                                            always use red and green for this test or you just doing that because it is almost                                                  Christmas? 

                                     During a normal day, I will do this very same test 20-30 times depending on the

                                     roster. Every time I do this little test, I think of that little girl. To this day, she is the                                             only one whoever asked me if the colors were part of a seasonal theme. 

                                     On a side note, I have found that no matter what I do, I cannot get Purdue people to                                           pick the red side of the chart no matter what I do.

                                                                   KIDDING A KID                                                                                                                                                       

                                                 One morning I was checking the eyes of a young girl. I would guess her to be about seven years old. 

                                          Her mom was in the exam chair and her sat in one of the gray chairs behind me. She was very well behaved

                                          and yes, if you are wondering if you are wondering if I bribed her. Some kids play games on their mom's                                                    phone. Others play with baby dolls or toys they brought with them. This little girl was watching every move                                            I made.

                                            I knew the young mother for a long time. I took out the O scope and look at her retinas. I was up in her face

                                           observing the health in the back of her eyes. I winked at the mom and told her front eyes were indeed                                                       fine but now I needed to check the eyes in the back of her head.  She smiled and I went behind her and                                                     lifted up her hair in the back and then went around to do the same thing for the left side. We both were                                                   looking at the little girl, and she was sitting there with her mouth so wide open we could have popped a                                                   candy bar in her mouth sideways.

                                        After we chucked a little. I did not tell the little one we were pulling her leg. I told mom she could tell her on                                            the way home we were just kidding. On the other hand, I told her she could get a lot of milage out of this 

                                        if she played her cards right.

                                                                                             NO SH_T?

 At least once a week, we will have a patient call in telling us they have blood in their eye.

They are very worried and want to be seen. These are usually not serious because they have blood on their eye and not in it. A blood vessel will burst and will have blood on the white part of the eye.

This is called a sub conjunctiva hemorrhage. They can occur secondarily from sneezing, coughing, vomiting, and over from exertion. Women often get this as they are giving birth. In really extreme case they can last 10-14 days. As I explain this, I am setting on a small chair rolling around on a large plastic mat. I explain if I would put a small drop of blood on the mat and another mat on top of the bottom. It would look like 5 gallons of blood but really is a tiny drop squished out.

The cells in the white part of the eye are some of the most tightly compressed cells in the human body. It is usually harmless but looks bad. It alarms the patient and worries onlookers even more.

I have taught my girls this and they have heard me explain these many times.

years ago, I had a dandy as I came into work. All 3 of my girls looked at me and one asked what is going on. I said,' I am constipated.' My assistant said, No sh__t?' I said, exactly.'

If one did not know they might have thought, we had rehearsed this gig. We had a good laugh and again shows sometimes life is better than television. 

                                                               SOMETHING WAS NOT RIGHT

I had something weird happen several years ago. I had a patient who had a very bad eye infection in his left eye.  The eye was as red as a firetruck, and he was in a lot of pain and discomfort. I am a pretty big guy. When I popped into the room I saw a mountain of a man. I am not sure, but I think he could hold me upside down and could shake the change out of my pockets!

I greeted him and as usual made a little small talk. I then began to ask him questions about his eye. As he explained he was pointing to his left eye but kept referring to it as his right eye. One could tell from across the street the eye with the issue was his left. I said," You keep pointing at your left eye, but you keep calling it your right eye. I just want to make sure we are on the same page."

He took offense to my correction. He said, Doc, do you think I am so dumb I cannot tell my right eye from my left. "I wanted to hold up my hand as if in class and say pick me, pick me. I knew the answer to his question.

I explained that I was not there to argue with him. I knew what to do as long as we agree on which   eye needs treatment. He pointed again at his left eye and said," Just fix my right eye." I gave him the meds he needed and instructed him to return if the problem should remain or worsen. He never thanked me and walked right out the door or left depending on how you want to look at it. He has never been back, and I doubt I will never see him again. I am sure he thinks I am a big idiot,  and I can assure you, the feeling is mutual.

                                                          HILLBILLY WISDOM

I had a young man come see me on a Saturday morning. He was going through the academy to be a

Indiana State Trooper. He was first in his class in intelligence. He was again at the top of his class in ability to perform the physical tasks required. His weakness was that in shooting he was the bottom of his class. He told me that he could not hit the broad side of a barn.

I soon learned that there were no barns around where he grew up. He was a city boy, and his dad did not shoot or hunt and he had no training. At the school he was doing everything they taught him, but it did not seem to help. This young man had perfect vision with 20/2O in both eyes. He could see well but was perplexed why he could not shoot well. 

I asked him to look though my hillbilly telescope. I handed him a roll of paper towels that was about half full. I asked him to hold it up to his eye and look at the stature of a horse head across the room. He held it up to his left eye. This young man was holding the pistol in his right hand was closing his left eye. In other words, he was shooting at a target that was not where he thought it was. I am surprised the instructor missed this. 

While we are being formed in our mother's womb (Psalm 139), the wires from our brain to our eyes are being connected. The brain always has a favorite! I often ask patients during an exam which hand they favor. Ninety percent a righty will favor their right. That is also the case for southpaws. However, ten percent of the time the favor the opposite eye. This is called cross dominance.

This soon to be trooper was young but still too old to learn how to shoot left-handed. I showed him a little trick and the easiest way to deal with this is to realize his aim will always be off but just to allow for it. His solution was just to envision the target three inches to the left and always aim there.

His right eye was giving him false information. It was lying to him. I felt blessed to be able to help him achieve his goal and he went on to become a very good shot.

I would think a few of you out there know this. I would bet that most never have given this any thought. Yet right now are wondering which eye brain favors. Let's take a shot at it. Look at object across the room. Keep both eyes open and point at it with your index finger. It does not matter which hand or index finger you use. The one that is still spot on is your dominant eye. Close the other eye and you will be surprised how far you are off.

                                         Aim at Heaven and you will get earth thrown in. Aim at earth and 

                                         will get neither.                                     C.S. Lewis

                                                                                      THE SAME BOAT                                             

Our oldest son, Joshua, is a naval aviator. I had a young girl about age seven in the exam chair. One of her parents had shared with her that he was a pilot and was able to land his jet on a floating runway called an aircraft carrier.

She was intrigued by his profession and asked me several questions. For her young age, I was impressed by her questions. I needed to get on with the exam but was enjoying answering them as best I could. When she came in, he was on an aircraft carrier on the other side of the world. He was flying into and over hostile enemy territory.

Sometimes we could talk via email. He would tell us he has several flights all in the same day. He would ask us to pray not just for him, but all involved on the mission. Then the ship would go" midnight" and we could not reach him or hear from him for several days. A parent's heart can go crazy at times like this. I think all loving parents are in the same boat in this regard. I did not think my hair could get any grayer, but I was mistaken.

This little girl pierced right through my armor and office game face when she launched a question that took me by surprise. I was able to keep my composure but think I must have looked like I had swallowed a goldfish. She asked me if he was able to fly back to our house and sleep in his own bed every night.

I told her the navy would not allow him to do that, but that I sure wish that that was possible. I used to say and think it never hurts to ask. I may have alter my position on this after her precious question.

                                                                             DRIVING DAD CRAZY                  

I enjoy my conversations with soon to be drivers. Some have just received their permit. Some have their license and are just giddy about their newfound freedom.

As an ice breaker, I will often ask them a question. I ask if there was a new law and the fine state of Indiana would give them a free brand-new vehicle, what would they ask for?

I get all kinds of answers. Some know exactly what they would ask for brand, size, shape and color. Many stammer around and have no clue and have never given any thought to this. I am amazed by how many young girls will choose pick-up trucks these days. Some only want a dependable ride that can give them reliable transportation. I had one young man tell me about a car that I had never heard of. I found later it sells for about 750,000 dollars. He planned to sell it buy a muscle car and but to put the rest money into the bank.

When time allows, I will often tell them about a story when I was about to get my own license. My dad would take me on the backroads around Bristow. He would let me drive his Buick centurion. 

One evening, he asked me a question as we hit the road. he asked what I would do if a beer bottle was in the road and a car was coming, what would I do. I explained I would slow down or stop and after the car passed drive around the bottle and proceed down the road. Dad seemed satisfied with my answer.

About a mile or two down the road a car was coming, and a 16 oz glass Pepsi bottle was in our lane, and a car was coming towards us. I did not slow are stop and ran right over the pop bottle. My dad went off on me like a bottle rocket. For my dad, I am sure it was a mind bottling experience. ;) He went through the roof, and I thought he was going to make his Buick into a convertible!

I have always tried to use humor to defuse times of anger and confrontation. He asked me why I didn't what I said I would do when he laid out this very same scenario earlier. I told him that I knew what do if it was a beer bottle, but this was different. It was a Pepsi bottle. Humor does not always work and sometimes can even make things worse ... much worse. This was one of those times.

                                                 A STRANGE LOOK

There is on average a week or two between cataract surgeries in most offices. So after the person has a cataract removed, they of course cannot see with their old lens. I send them over to the lab to pop the lens out of their glasses. It looks dorky but it is a good get by until the other cataract is removed.

Across the road in the house where we used to live, we had two wonderful neighbors. Their names are Dallas and Inez Knies.  They are like a third set of grandparents.

They helped us often when our boys were young.  Our boys spent a lot of time over there. They protected and loved our boys like they were their own. They are like family

to us and our three sons adore them.

I sent Inez off to have cataract surgery. Ater a few weeks both eyes had healed perfectly

and she only need glasses to see up close.  We dropped Josh off and went on our way. When we picked him up later, we found that Josh had" stranged' from the same lady he knew so well. Little Josh was confused and uncomfortable with Inez's new look. She had always worn glasses.  They had to pop out both lenses out of the glasses. Josh was now satisfied. Inez would have to wear her frame with no lenses when he would come over to their house. I always chuckle when I think she might have went to answer the door like this. The person would wonder if she was with it or perhaps wondered how she kept her lenses so clean.

                                                                                         AMISH MATH

Over the years, I have had the pleasure of working with many Amish patients.

Although my faith is different is different from theirs, I greatly admire them. When

my busy and hurried life is coming at me way too fast; I wonder if the idea of a simpler life is the answer. These people are honest and are hardworking people and seem to exemplify the salt of the earth.

Years ago, I met and checked the eyes of an Amish fellow and his wife. I saw his wife first. We chatted a bit before I started her vision exam. I was making a note on her file and was looking away from her. I asked her how many children they had. She said that they have two and a half dozen. Her answer caused my eyes to rise from the page and looked at the wall. I am aware that they often have many kids but that would be thirty!

I slowly turned my head to look at her. I wonder if perhaps I had smoke coming from my ears as the math cogs in my brain were turning so fast. She looked back at me and blinked about 3 times with a straight face before bursting into laughter. She said they had eight children.

She went on to explain that two and a half dozen, (which is six), equals eight. I was just another notch she put on her fish she caught with that line. I smile even now as I think back about our first visit. They both have passed away and I had the pleasure

and privilege of being their eyecare provider and I miss still miss them.

                                                                                       A SHADY STORY

I had not been in practice for just a few years when a most pleasant older gentleman came to see me. We shot the breeze with pleasantries for a few minutes and then it was time to see if I could help him.

He seemed almost shy and was embarrassed to tell me about what he wanted to know. I encouraged him to just tell me. I would either figure it out or make something up if I could not. He chuckled and this line seemed to calm his fears. His first words as he told his dilemma, 'You are going to think I am crazy but here it goes."

He had a small level yard in Jasper. There was a large shade tree off to the right as he looked out into his back yard. He said he would mow perfectly under the shade tree. 0utin the yard he would miss many spots but only under that big oak he mowed with perfection. He would set on his back porch and in the evening, he could see multiple patches of grass that he missed. He wanted to know what was going on.

I must admit at first this seemed kind of weird. As I worked with him, I could see exactly why he couldn't. Upon dilation, he had a type of cataract known as a nuclear sclerotic. It starts out right in front and greatly bothers people like a scratch on our windshield.  When he was in the shade his pupils would get larger, and he could see around them. When he was out in the sun, the sun caused his pupils to constrict. Out in the sun it was like a nickel in the barrel of a gun. In the evening, the sun was not as   bright, and he could now the areas he had missed. I simply advised him to wait till late evening until his cataract were removed.

I love this story. It reminds us of all to listen and keep our minds open. I am grateful to have this case as part of my early training. I will try not to judge or jump to conclusions any "mower.' 

                                                                                                    A ZEBRA IN JASPER

A little boy was in the exam chair years ago. I was impressed by his maturity. His ability to 

articulate was impressive. I enjoyed him and was asking questions about his vision. I asked him

if he thought he was able to see well. He replied, 'most of the time I can see perfectly but sometimes I cannot see anything.

This answer was very unusual and quite concerning. There is a rare heart related problem and from time the vision dims and sometimes goes out for a few seconds. His answer caused my heart to beat a little faster as I was trying to remember the name of this phenomenon. Kids who have this just think it is normal because that is normal for them.

Sometimes the more you know about something, the facts can mislead you. As I was talking with him, I was remembering always think horses and mules but do not forget about zebras.

It possible to have a zebra in our office front yard if a circus truck would have a wreck going by but quite unlikely. Could this be a once in a lifetime case and it was indeed a zebra. I was overthinking and I knew it, but I was concerned about this little guy.

I asked him how often this happens. He explained it happens every day. He said it had not occurred since he got up that morning. I asked him to describe how it happens. He said I can even make it happen. I am thinking perhaps exertion running or playing. He said every time he closed his eyes he couldn't see a thing. This little guy took me all the way around the barn!

He had no clue he was teaching me how to phrase and ask better questions. I was feeling a little" zoolish." Cases like this is where you earn your stripes. I was relieved this little guy was ok and explained we all have a little touch of this.

                                                                                                               TRUE BLUE

When we check a young child's eyes, we always do a color vision test and a stereo test. Most children pass this with flying colors. Once in a while we are the first to find a child has color blindness. We try not to use this term because there is not blindness with it in any form. Color deficiency is a better term. It just means the child's eyes have trouble determining normal colors.

When we discover this, I spend a little more time talking with the parent. I explain it is fairly common. It will come into play only in life that certain occupations involving color will not be an option for them. For instance, many of the wires an electrician uses are color coded. Pilot need this to look down at an airfield and the different colors help them safely land the plane. In my class in Optometry school, two of my own classmates had this. They do these same test in their offices, but they have just memorized the answers.

Is thought about 5 out of 100 boys have this and 1 in 100 girls. There are 3 levels of this, and many people will go their entire lives not knowing they have a problem. I have stumbled into this before during the red- green test and they cannot tell the two colors apart. Many are quite surprised and wonder how they did not ever know this. I often explain they may see a blue and call it that, but it never has been true blue as the rest of us view it. The same applies to other colors as well.

I have a book at home I read years ago. It tells of some of the greatest artist this world has known might have had certain visions issues. We all are in awe of their impressionism, but they might have just be painting as they saw it!

Those of us with normal color vision do not realize how blessed we are. I think we will see so many different colors in heaven we will realize we are a little color blind as well. I myself have seen a few variations of colors not normally seen in the color spectrum while here on earth. You see, I ran an amusement park ride that spins people around at a high rate of speed. When they were teaching me how to run this ride, I was not paying attention. I was looking at a mop and bucket nearby and was wondering why they were close by. It seems that when I share this, everybody figures this out way before me. You would be surprised to see the colors that come out from a little boy who has had 3 drinks, a hotdog, a hamburger or two, and a cotton candy when you spin him around! After a while, I could spot a puker a mile off.

                                                                                   A COLORFUL ANSWER 

My favorite color is a dark red so I guess that would be marron. I read somewhere that is a person's least favorite color if stranded on a desert island. I also read that 81 % of the population will either say red or blue is their favorite color. If you ask men, the chances of him saying red are higher. We should guess blue if asking a female.

One time years ago, I asked a little girl, and her wonderful answer still lingers in my mind to this day.

She listed about 30 things and so quickly it was as if she had been tipped off about the question she would be asked.

She said I love blue skies, green grass, brown horses, yellow flowers, purple bikes, ...... She went on and on and I remember only the first few, but it seemed she had used almost all the colors we know. I set there in amazement and watched her with wide eyed wonder as she pulled up her list.

I have greatly thought about the depth of her answer. Come to think about it, the thought of marron grass or marron horses does not sound too appealing to me. So, I still answer marron when asked but I like her answer and way of thinking much better than my own.

                                                                          MAKING YOUR OWN LUCK

When I was in school, it seemed I always had a full afternoon of patients before I had a big test the next day. One of my friends seemed to have the best luck and all his patients would no show so he could sit in his exam room quietly, snicker and study. This seemed to me to be far more than luck. He shared his little trick with me. He would write fictious names as his patients. He knew they would not show because they did not exist.

I saw a similar trick years ago in my own office. It seems I have always had an "eye" for patterns. One of 

my girls sat at the front desk and scheduled patients. It seemed all of a sudden, we were very slow. I mean I was using deodorant, so I did not seem to be the one running people off. 

I had a feeling the gal upfront was not being up front with me when I questioned the slow roster. I had a friend call in and try to make an appointment. I said if she tells you we have not appointments available ask for her name.  She was hesitant to do so but revealed her name. We caught a fish on the very first cast. We had a few open spots that day and she told the call in we were full. I called her into my office, and I told her what had just went down.  I sat her down and explained how this was hurting the cash flow of the office and let her go after a short chat. I quoted an old country phrase that says the wicked are surprised when they find the good can be clever too. She seemed unfazed but I think she was sorry only because she was caught.

As they say on television wait there is more. She was dating at that time a metal worker. One morning, my girls called early in the morning and could not get into the office. Someone had put a liquid that would turn into metal in all the locks front and back. We were locked out of our own office. 

As luck would have it our first patient was a policeman. He was also a mechanic and had the door off the hinges in no time. 

                                                                  HEADING FOR HOME

 I am sitting in a very crowed restaurant in Gatlinburg Tennessee having a heart breakfast. It was a holiday weekend and a time to get away and relax. I was with my family, and I get a call on my phone. The caller was the Jasper police dept.  This could not be good, and my wife knew the look on my face had gone from blessed to stressed. 

I called them back and wondered what was going on back home. I wonderful young policeman that one

of my patients had gone to the office that Saturday morning. He saw we were closed and all the lights were off. However, when he pulled on the door it was not locked. He was honest and went the extra mile and had called the police and I will be grateful and thankful it was him and not someone dishonest.

A big tricolor paint taught me the meaning off barn sour when I was a boy.  My dad and a friend named Joe Lasher watched as I went out across the pasture. My legs were tired as he slowly made his way away from his owner, his friends, and the barn. When I turned to head home, it was all I could do to settle him down. 

I have found we all can be a little barn sour. I doubt if anybody ever gets a speeding ticket on their way to work. Many mistakes in medical offices occur in the evening. Friday evenings are the worst because we all are thinking about going home before it is time to go home. We have to discipline ourselves to stay focused until we leave.

My girls were all giddy and read to celebrate a long weekend. Spirits were high and I am sure they were all laughing and talking as they headed through the office door without using their heads. I was not as mad and upset as the girls thought that I would be. I hope we can all be disciplined to rein in our emotions when we are excited. We need to keep an open mind but there is a need as well to sometimes be close minded.

                                                                                                      WHAT THE "L" ?                                                                                                                   

One of the routine tests during an eye exam is to check peripheral field. We give the patient a cover paddle and have them cover one eye. We put one finger in front and wiggle our other finger off to the sides, below, and above. This is then repeated with the opposite eye. It is best to have the patient hold the paddle with the same hand as the eye being tested. This keeps the paddle flat and does a better job of occluding the eye not being tested.

I am amazed down through the years how many people have trouble with left and right even adults. They get the deer in the headlight look when I ask them to hold the paddle in a certain hand. I always test the right eye first. I hold out the paddle and ask the patient to hold it in their left eye. 

A few years ago, I gave these same instructions to a young boy. He put both hands out in front of him with only his thumb and index fingers out. He pointed both index fingers up and both his thumbs were pointing in and towards each other. He did not reach for the paddle. A big wide smile came over his face, and he snatched the paddle from me in his left hand.

I was intrigued and asked him what he just did. He shared with me some very handy advice his first-grade teacher had taught them. When we do this the thumb and index finger on the left hand make the letter "L" for left. if you see the" L" you know you have the right ... excuse me correct hand. This was really cool and here I was in my sixties, and I had never heard of his. I have had several kids do this since. I don't have to ask now what the" L" they are doing.

                                                                                                        HERE' S THE KICKER

I must admit I do not and never did understand the rules of soccer. Even when our boys were young, I understood when a goal was scored, but that was about it. I would clap when the other parents would clap, but I had no clue. I felt like at a woman at a football game. I apologize to the few gals that love and understand football, but I think they are a minority.

About a year or so ago, I had a cute little Hispanic boy in for his first eye exam. He had on soccer shoes, soccer shoes and shirt with high socks. I would guess he either had a game or practice later that evening. 

I was looking for a good ice breaker to get him to relax and warm up to me. I asked him who he thought was the best soccer player in the world. He had seemed a little nervous before. After my question, the look on his face changed and it seemed he was pissed at me. My question had offended this little guy and soon I found why. He explained to me under no uncertain terms that he was the best soccer player in the entire world. The rest of the visit went very well. I could not wait to talk to his mom out in the hallway after finishing up with him. I thought she would get a big kick out of this as well. she laughed and said that sounded just like him.

I thought that Messi or Renaldo were possibly the best in the world. Here is the kicker. The best player in the world lives right here in Jasper Indiana. If you don't believe me, just ask him.

                                                                                                                   HOW HAPPY

Something cool and funny happened a few years ago. I saw a young man who was a college junior. I asked his major. He had changed three different times. One could tell by talking with him that he was off the charts smart. He simply could not decide what he wanted to do. Everything came easy to him. He was frustrated and his parents even more so. He told me he wished someone would decide for him. 

I told him I know what you should do. He looked up and said", Just say it and I am on it." He was quick as a whip and seemed up for playful banter. I said," You need to go on to be an Indian chief." He replied, That's it.! I am so glad I came to see you today and I am glad now I can get on with my life. His face fell when I added that it was not that easy. We now have to narrow down our search by deciding what tribe he needed to pursue. We both laughed and were both surprised how we did this skit off the cuff.

After his exam, I slipped out in the hallway to share the good news with his mother. I told her his eyes were healthy and we had figured out what he should be. She said she was so relieved. 

I explained he was going on to be an Indian chief. She laughed and said she did not care as long as he was happy. I made a pun without meaning to do so. I said," It is not that easy. He has reservations."

                                                                NEW SHIRT PLEASE

In the spring the topic of gardening often comes up. I often ask what the patients favorite thing to eat and enjoy. I get a variety of answers, but the number one answer is by far is tomato. That

would be my answer as well. There is something about a big red ripe tomato grown in Indiana 

soil that is beyond words.

I am a country boy. Every aptitude test I took showed that I like being outside. I picked an occupation where I am inside an office without windows.  Often, we tend to overcompensate when we are deprived of something. That is why I stay outside until it is dark and hate to come inside even then.

Many times, in late summer I come home for lunch and let our dogs out. I will often walk around the yard with them. I will walk over to our raised tomato bed and pick a big red tomato. My wife is not there to fuss at me to clean it off. I will just take a big bite out of it as if eating an apple. I have lost count of the number of times I came back after lunch, and my girls notice and ask why I am wearing a different colored shirt!

Those red things they have in the grocery store do not explode like the real deal. I often kid patients and tell them I almost prefer the wax fruit on the bar over those.

                                                                                              AIRBORN DIVISION

I was very blessed to grow up with a wonderful mother. She worked very hard at several jobs to pay for my schooling. I could write a book about her, but I am sure reader would believe my stories were true.

Mom liked to drive fast. She always ran late and was always trying to make up time by excess speed. One time our oldest son, Josh, son stayed overnight with my parents. He was around five years old. Sunday morning Mom took him with her down to the small country church she attended. I went down on Sunday evening to pick him up and bring him home. As we were driving back, I asked him his favorite thing about staying with my parents. He said it was going to church with Nana. I was so pleased until he explained as they were going to church, she went over a hill, and he hit his head on the top of the car. I know just the place he was talking about.  Nana was doing crazy driving stunts long before the Dukes of Hazzard came along!

There was a lady who was the worst driver in our county. She drove like an idiot and has passed me before like I was going backward. This same gal came up to me in a store and complained about my mom's bad driving. She said my mom passed her on a double yellow line on a blind curve going up a hill. I knew she was no longer the worst and been

surpassed my mom who was now first.

After graduation setting up my office, I was honored to check my mom's eyes. She was one of my first patients. She reported that everything was blurry when she was driving. She was not amused with my joke as I explained it was like that for all of us in a car going that fast!

                                                                               TO SEE OR NOT TO SEE                                                                                                                

Our office is on a state road on the south side of town. We bought the property in 1990

and had spaces available to rent. I knew this was in a great location because I had read a book about McDonalds. It told how many hours this restaurant chain studies traffic patterns before it builds there. They have spent thousands of dollars so if you locate near them, you can be assured it is in a good location. We are right across the street from them and when people are waiting on their food, they are looking right at our office. Maybe as they have to stop and wait on their food, they will think about how long since their last eye exam. We are not sure how it all works ,but it could be food for thought.

We have a nice yard and landscaping and do our best to keep it looking tight and bright. On the north side we have had a problem with people cutting the corner and running in our yard as they leave an auto parts store. I bought a 1/2-ton rock to put there to keep this from happening. It has been up less than 6 months and twice has been hit and drug out into the street. The company called me and asked if I wanted a bigger rock perhaps a ton.

These are some very bad drivers or perhaps people who are in need of our services. I thought about putting my card on the rock to remind them to think about seeing me since they did not see the rock.

                                                                                            HARD TO PASS UP

It was probably about my sixth or seventh year of practice when something weird happened. I was between patients and was at my best. My assistant had an unusual look on her face as she came through the door. She said there was a young man out front who wanted to sell me his contacts!

She slightly smiled and my mine went through a list of possibilities. She was pulling my leg. I knew it was not April 1st. The crew from Candid Camera was in Jasper and I would soon the host of the popular television show. There is no way this could be legit.

She went on to explain he was from the Boston area and was traveling across the country. He was out of gas and money. He wanted to sell them to use the funds for gas to continue on his trip. He said they were hard lenses and he did not wear them that often. They fit well and he could see very well with them and were only three years old. I did not go out and talk with him but passed on this incredible deal. I never regretted not making the purchase. I do regret not giving him some money to help him out and continuing his quest.

The type of hard lenses he wore are very special and custom made for each individual eye. The right and left eye prescription are usually much different. Besides you cannot sell used contacts to another. 

                                                                                     THE LADY I DOGGED

As an ice breaker, I will ask patients about their pets. Our pets are very near and dear to us. This often will help a patient settle down if they seem to be nervous. I almost ask the name of names of the pets if they have more than one.

I did this once and the lady told me her dog's name was" Deeogee". I envision a little friendly dog with   a lot of tail wagging. I really liked this name and I told her so. I dogged her to find the source of that name. I asked if she got it from a book or from possibly a movie. She smiled and cocked her head sideways like a collie told me to say it slowly.  I said, D..O..G. I laughed out loud. She had blown that past me like a 98 mile per hour fastball. 

I went home that evening and told my wife about it. I said if we lived next to her, I might see her little dog doing his thing in our yard. I would tell my wife that little "Deeogee " is pooping in our yard again and have no clue what I was saying.

                                                                                  SPREAD THE NEWS                                                                                                            

Years ago, I was in the exam room with a big rough looking biker dude. He had all Harley Davidson gear boots and all. He had several tattoos and a full beard. Motorcycles were his passion and at that time I had a bike, and we swapped a few riding stories. He was very nice and we seemed to hit it off.

After I checked his eyes, I gave the rundown of my findings. I explained he was near sighted and that had gotten a little worse. I needed to bump up his prescription. I explained that in the past he did not have astigmatism but now we were finding a little in both eyes. With the new RX I was able to get him to see 20/20 far away and near in both eyes.

His face changed at that instant as he crossed his muscular arms and looked very angry.

His smile was long gone, and he did not say a word. Something I had said was not well received. I asked him if he was ok and he did not respond. After a long pause He raised his eyes and eyes starred right at me. 

I will leave out all the colorful words and expletives that followed. In short, he told me why he had become so bent out of shape. He told me the girls name that he had been dating. She had astigmatism and he realized must have got that from her.

I had to bite a hole in my lip and was straining to keep a straight face. Laughing out loud right then would be a very bad idea. I knew I had to explain this quickly and thoroughly to perhaps save a young girl's life. I had to talk him down and explain that astigmatism just means his eyes have changed shape. I went on to explain to him there are many sexually transmitted diseases, but astigmatism is not one of them.

                                                                                         JUST SPITBALLING

I have asked patients before a certain question. Now, I would like to present it to you. If the license plate on the car in front of you said 1R2, what would you think? A few will get it and they know it has something to do with optometry. The owner of the car is an Optometrist. Most don't have a clue.

I always joke that if one has the ability to count to two, you have what it takes to be an eye doctor. Anyone who has an eye exam knows during the testing we present two images and ask which of the two is clearer.

When you do this testing, it is amazing how some people are really good at this and is a breeze and we can come up with a new prescription in a few minutes. Some people cannot even tell if the room lights are on or off! It is interesting because smart people are often very poor responders. Instead of going with their gut, they are trying to describe what they see rather than letting me know which presentation is best as instructed.

I have often joked that I think Jesus is the father of the field I am in. I made this assumption because of one of the healings of a man's eyes found in Mark chapter 8 in the Bible. It is the only partial healing in the Bible. All the other healings he did happened instantly.

Jesus rubbed his spit on the man's eyes and then placed his hands on the man's eyes. He asked the man to describe what he saw. The man said it was better, but people looked like trees walking around. Jesus put his hands upon his eyes again and his sight was fully restored. Jesus started this whole thing of asking, which is better, one or two.

I have thought about this story many times and will always wonder why it was done in two steps.  I use many different medicines to treat various eye problems. I never have tried using my spit so far. I know that I would get a no with that question and it would most likely rub them the wrong way.   

                                                      THE CADUCEUS CROSS REFERENCE

In my office I have a paper weight on my desk. It has the image of a caduceus. Right now, you may be wondering what that is. If I could show you an image right now you would easily recognize it. You have seen it many times on doctors' offices and hospitals. Even if you have seen it, I would bet most has no idea this medical symbol can be traced back to a Bible story.

God had put pressure on the Pharoh to let his people go. They were trapped as Red Sea prevented their escape. The Lord blew back the sea and God's people saw one of the Bible's greatest miracles. God led his people through the bottom of the sea on dry ground! If that was not enough, he allowed the pillar of fire that had blocked the army from chasing them to cease. The Egyptian army also went down into the sea in pursuit.  God waited until all the people of Isreal were safely across. He then commanded the sea to crash upon   the Egypt's army and drowned men, horses and their chariots. Not long afterward, the people complained about eating only bread and water and the Lord's anger was kindled. He caused poisonous snakes to be released to kill many. The people were sorry and prayed God to stop the snake bites. They asked Moses to pray for them as well and he did. God told Moses to make a serpent of brass wrapped around a pole. If his people who were bitten would look at it, they would be healed and would not die. 

This is the story of how the caduceus stands to represent a healer. There is a very strong 

correlation to the cross of Christ. Satan is seen as a serpent who fooled Adam and Eve and caused a curse on all mankind. If we would humble ourselves and look to the cross and ask Jesus to save us from our sins, he will.

                                                   CALL OF THE SEE

I am an Optometrist. I answered the call of the" see "over forty years ago. My wife, Kim, and I started the practice cold in 1985. My office first opened on 8/07/85.

At IU I had a professor who was also a close friend. One day he asked me to voice his concerns. He had heard I was thinking inking about locating in a small town called Jasper. He told me the town itself was up to its eyeballs in Optometrist. He also pointed out I was not German, Catholic, and was not a beer drinker. He asked me to rethink this.

They say you find what you look for. Kim was a wonderful help getting the practice off the ground. She has always had a great personality. People were drawn to her, and it set the tone for great visit. We did work our tails off. However, we give the glory, praise and thanks to God.  He allowed us to meet people who could help us along the way. It was by his hand alone that allowed us to be successful. Truly the odds were 

against us, but God gave us favor and was for us.

Early on I had an elderly man with a thick German accent. We seemed to hit it off. After the exam and as he was leaving, he paused at the door. He thanked me for giving him a through exam and explaining things well. He told me he really liked me and that he would be back next year. Then he gave me some advice as well. He said I should think about going down to the courthouse and changing my last name from Gordon to Gordonhuesen! 

                                                                                   FOOD FOR THOUGHT

We own big brick building in which practice. It used to be a hamburger restaurant. We gutted the burger joint and built two wings onto the original building. My office if off to one side and the other wing houses two renters which has been a big plu$ over the years.

I am an avid reader. Years ago, I read a book that was well worth it and in turn paid big dividends. It was about the McDonalds chain called Behind the Arches. It was very interesting but from it I gleaned a great real estate tip. It explained how before they locate, they spend thousands of dollars on high traffic studies. The take home point was that if you set up shop close to them you are in a great location. 

Knowing this, I was quick to pull the trigger to buy this property. Our office is directly across from the big yellow arches. People are looking at our office while they are waiting at the drive thru. I hope it has made a few people think about how long it has been since their last eye appointment and given them food for thought.

                                                                               HOPE I GET CATARACTS

Much of my day is spent talking about cataracts. We see many baby boomers and the number symptom is glare from headlights. As we age the crystalline lens in the human eyes darkens. Because of this people notice they find themselves looking for light. It is like wearing sunglasses inside the house. They know there is a film and are always cleaning their glasses. They are spot on that there is a smudge on their lenses, but it is the crystalline lens and is not a spot on their eyeglasses. 

I have a model of the human eye. Often, I will ask a patient to put their finger through the pupil. Then I show them the model lens which in actual size looks just like an M and M. I then explain it looks like a clear M and M when we are children. It gradually gets more yellow as we age. It goes on to a light yellow, then a darker yellow and on to almost a dark orange. It is in a person's fifties they notice changes in the way they see. In diabetics and smokers this can occur much earlier in life.

I have had men and women shed tears when I tell them they have cataract. When I was a young man, I always said I hope I would get cataracts someday. I will explain we all get them if we live long enough. I said that hoped God would allow me to live long enough to earn my set. God answered that prayer and I have had cataract surgery and have implants in both eyes. All I had to go on before was what I had been taught. I am a better doctor now because I have been through the entire process. There is nothing to it these days and is a modern-day miracle. I do my best try to put patients at ease. The surgery takes about eight to nine minutes, and I share they should worry more about having a tooth removed.  

                                                                                            BLUE SEEN AS GREEN

It is always fun to see patients the next day after cataract surgery. They almost blush when I ask how many times, they went back and forth between eyes. They have a side-by-side comparison and are surprised how clear they can see with their new eye. Now what was their best eye 24 hours later is terrible.

When I had my eyes worked on, I did the same exact thing. I was down in a small church in my hometown on a Sunday morning. The preacher had a little yellow on his tie. I kept looking at his tie comparing how different it looked through the eye with the cataract. I did this and thought I was distracting the preacher.  He was looking right at me wondering what was wrong with me. I quit at once also fearing he might have thought I was hitting on him!

I had to go back for follow ups on my own eyes after surgery. It is an easy drive about an hour away on the Interstate. About halfway is a Cracker Barrel we like to frequent from time to time. It was the one week follow up visit on my left eye. Everything was sharp clear and pristine. I was looking forward to having the other eye surgery in about a week.

Inside the restaurant, there was some steel blue shutters as a decoration. As we waited on our food. I again tested my eyes and used the shutters as a target. The eye with my implant looked blue. When I looked at the shutters with the cataract eye, it looked green. I thought

back on what we were taught about primary colors in grade school. The operated eye showed the shutters as they were. The eye looking at something blue through a cloudy yellow lens as seen as green. The was indeed a verified fact blue and yellow make green.

                                                                   GOOD MAN BAD ADVICE                   

Years ago, I was sharing aa story that had just happened over the weekend. The boys were all young and still under our roof. Kim and I had gotten into a very heated argument. There was no gunfire or anything like that, but the boys saw and heard too much.

My wife's grandpa Pete Markel was an awesome man. I adored him and he was like a grandpa to me. He surprised me once and offered a little marital advice. He went on to say it takes two flints to make a fire. He added it often takes more courage to walk away from a fight than to stay and make it worse. One flint cannot make a fire so if it gets hot ...get out. This has been great advice, and I have heeded it more than once.

I shared the tale of the weekend riff. I told him I walked out per Pete's advice. As I walked past the boys, I told them everything is still of. I told them I loved their mother and always will. I plan to be buried beside her and sleep in Jesus if she allows. However, that day, we did not like each other.

After sharing this story, this man who is a good man chastised me. He said all disagreements should be behind closed doors and if there is tension never let the kids see or know about it. I was polite and I was respectful. I thanked him but feel deep in my heart to this day this good man gave me some really bad advice!

The very best of unions will have days and situations like this. When young married couples clash, they will not know how to work through it unless they have been taught.

                                                 THE QUESTION THAT LEFT US IN STICHES

There are several occupations that start with the letter O. This can cause a lot of confusion at times. I am often asked what the difference between an Optometrist and an Ophthalmologist is. My answer is simply about 2 million dollars per year.

I was with a patient in the exam room when one of my assistants opened the door. She 

had a puzzled look on her face. This was long before HIPPA laws. She said the patients name and was relaying a question for her. She was new and of course this should have been put on the back burner and discussed between patients and in private.

She said the patient wanted to know if I thought it was time to remove her stiches from down there. I smiled at the patient. I said that I do not remember putting any stiches in her anywhere.  I have a set of stirrups, but they are on my saddle at home. I added if I did, we better get them out right away and I needed to stop drinking! We still are not sure who shot J.F.K. now this mystery.

I asked my assistant to call her back and ask if perhaps she had called the wrong office. In town there was another doctor whose first name was also Greg. However, he is a Obstetrician. This indeed was the case. The caller was so embarrassed. The stiches were removed and I was not sued.

I will never let her forget this. If I see her at the grocery store or in the office, I always ask about those stiches. She still comes to see me. She knows that at some point I will bring up the stiches she had down there. 

                                                                                                   OH BROTHER

Years ago, I had a very strange that threw me a loop. I fit a young man with soft contacts. I had him zeroed in and he seems well pleased. I was to see at a follow up a week later. Two days later he called in and claimed he could not see out of them and was rude to my office girls. We were up to our eyeballs in eyeballs that day, but I carved a spot for him.

My first thought was that he had his contacts switched but they were close to the same Rx. If he had switched them, I doubt he would be able to tell any difference. 

His vision was way off from was expected. Perhaps he was a diabetic and had a drastic sugar shift. I took out the lenses and did a full exam and got the same prescription I had two days earlier. I was perplexed to say the least. We put two lenses exactly like he had and again he saw perfectly. How did the lenses fail to provide vision one day and not the next. I was still scratching my head as he went out the door. Again, I asked him to see me in a week and let me know if he had any other issues beforehand.

He called us the very next day and seemed to be in a great mood. He had solved this difficult case. He said his brother had trouble seeing with his contacts the same day. Turns out they both were wearing each other's lenses!  I thought it was funny and so did my patient ...until he got my bill.

                                                                                    THE BULL SESSION

I have been around horses most of my life. My dad got me a pony when I was very young. His plan was to scratch this itch and after I tired of it would sell it. His plan did not work out too well. At present I am 67and have not been without one since. There is something in my soul that comes alive when I am around these magnificent creatures.

My grandpa had a farm outside of Bristow. I learned how to plant, plow and disc at a young age. When this is in your bloodlines, it stays with you. Farmers are surprised to learn of my country boy background. Most of them lower their guard when they hear I grew up on tractors. They smile and agree when I tell them freshly overturned dirt in the spring is one of my favorite smells on earth. 

I know very little about cattle. I am a very curious and I see a lot of farmers in the office. I ask many questions about cattle and have learned several things down through the years.

A cattle farmer told me a story that has stayed with me. He spent a great deal of money and bought a prize bull to add and improve his herd. His plan did not work out too well either. The big bull was nasty, mean, and dangerous. In short, he was very much a bull headed bull!He had to get rid of him before it hurt or killed him or one of his three sons. Besides that, he did not want this bad boy's temperament passed down to his offspring.

Without stopping to think I blurted out," Nasty can be passed down like that? "His response was quick and a little gruff. He snapped; "it works that way with people! Why wouldn't it work that way with cattle? " 

                                                                                                   NOT EYE TO EYE

I have been a serious deer hunter since my teenage years. The first day of deer season is like a major holiday. I am so excited the night before that I can hardly sleep.

Years ago, our office was located in a strip mall. There was an outdoor store off to the right about a hundred yards. They sold gun, knives, and clothing. They also were a deer check in station. Back then between patients, I would walk to our front door and see if any big bucks were being checked in. If I saw a giant rack, I would tell the girls I would be right back.

 I always kid patients wearing camo hats and shirts. I tell them I can hardly focus on my line of work as it is. Pictures of giant antlers cause this eye guy to lose focus. They laugh and have no clue I am not kidding. I kiddingly advise fellow hunters to see me before or after deer season is over to allow me to do my best work.

My girls sometimes get annoyed with me. I tell fellow hunters to drop or stop by if they get a brute. 

I instruct them to drive around the big brick office building and knock on the metal door to the far north. No matter how busy we are, I will step outside to look over a whopper. I consider this an emergency as well. My office girls have never seen eye to eye with me on this one.

our office sits on a very busy state highway. We are located on the southside of town but still is very much in the city. My office is in the very front of the building. There is window off to the north. There is not much of a view as it looks at the wall of an auto parts store. I have planted cedar trees between the two buildings. This to at least allow this old country bumkin to see a little nature and look upon a little greenery when I am at work.

I would say that I have seen 7-8 deer from sitting at my desk over the years. I have yet to see a buck of any size. So far, all have been does. I would say they are only ten feet away from me as they pass by usually left to right. When this happens, I usually call my girls back to share this special treat. In our family, we call these God Winks. There is another reason I do this. I want to make sure they see it as well.  I am relieved and know I am not ready for the loony bin ... just yet!